Brain Shame Anyone?

Who among us hasn’t looked at someone else and wished we could be more like him or her? The world is constantly sending us messages and images of what we should look like, where we should live, what kinds of food we should eat and the list goes on. Don’t even get me started on social media. With constant comparison comes anxiety and guilt.

If you are a person with ADHD, you’ve probably experienced what Sari Solden and Michelle Frank call “brain shame”, beating yourself up because your brain doesn’t work like other people’s brains. Especially if you’re female. Whether we like it or not, society has perpetuated certain gender roles for men and women. As far as we’ve come in changing those expectations, they’re still lurking in the corner of our minds-and everywhere else.

Maybe it’s your next door neighbor who has a job, three kids and a husband but manages to keep her house clean and organized, her kids fed and dresses immaculately for work each day that you wish you could be like.

Or you secretly admire your sister, who keeps a detailed planner with all of her appointments and to do lists. It’s pristine and color coded,  without a stray sticky note or coffee stain. Every day, she checks the magic planner (because she can find it) and just flits through all those tasks, checking things off like it’s no big deal. No stacks of unpaid bills and correspondence to go through, no last minute fire drills to attend to.

Here comes the brain shame. All those other women seem to have it together, while you feel like everything is falling apart. You find yourself wondering how they do it and asking, “Why can’t I be like everyone else?” 

I’ll stop here to say that none of us have it ALL together ALL the time while retaining our sanity. I certainly don’t. But it’s easy to see where this thing called “brain shame” comes in. Feeling ashamed causes us to avoid those situations or people that trigger feelings of inadequacy. We try to mask our differences or hide that part of us that feels “not good enough”. We skulk through life carrying an invisible burden that’s not ours to bear alone. In short, we get stuck. Here’s the thing. Your brain is wired differently which means you have different challenges as well as different gifts, but it’s a beautiful brain nontheless. ADHD is just one piece of your identity. There’s so much more to you to explore and celebrate.

This is where I’m supposed to offer some quick tips on how to get past this shame, but not so fast. These feelings have been communicated and reinforced over a lifetime. They won’t go away overnight. Instead, I’ll leave you to ponder the concept of brain shame and listen to that voice in your head for telltale signs. Does that voice tell you not to help your neighbor with the grocery shopping because you’re afraid you’ll mess it up somehow? Does it discourage you from signing up for a virtual art class because you’ll never get it together to do the projects?

If this sounds familiar to you, I’d highly recommend you read A Radical Guide for Women With ADHD: Embrace Neurodiversity, Live Boldly, and Break Through Barriers, by Sari Solden, MS and Michelle Frank, PsyD. You can find it on amazon.com

Or…, you can tune back in next week when I discuss Chapter 4: Confront Your Hiding:)

Suzanne Leon is a Certified Professional Coach who works with people affected by ADHD/ADD. Visit her website to learn more about the services she provides. Click here to learn about her monthly newsletter!